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Facebook is buzzing with it. Twitter is tweeting about it. The blog world is acclaiming it. The new Netflix mini series “13 Reasons Why” delves into the gritty issues faced by American youth and gives an honest look at the damage caused by bullying. Or so says the hype. I’ve even read that it’s “relevant” and “necessary.”
This post was originally published on April 23, 2017 and was recently updated.
Facts About Suicide*
Let’s start with some simple facts, okay? Then we’ll get down to the reasons.
- 30%-70% of people who commit suicide suffer from a severe mental or emotional disorder
- 80% of people who commit suicide give indications that they will before doing so
- Heart disease and cancer are the only two causes of death that end life prematurely more than suicide; Suicide is currently the 8th leading cause of death in our country
- Alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood of a person to be suicidal
- Nearly half of all completed suicides are men over the age of 45 who suffer from depression and/or alcoholism
And the most important thing: If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
1-800-784-2433 www.hopeline.com
This will connect you with a crisis center in your area.
This post may contain affiliate links.
Why We Won’t Watch the Netflix Show “13 Reasons Why”
As a mom, I’ve read every review and all sides of the debate about this show. I wanted to know what my teens might be hearing about from their friends, and to be prepared if they asked to watch the show. If you’re reading this, you’re likely pondering this same thing. I’ll admit, I’ve seen some very strong opinions, and mine are just as strong.
1. Glorifying Death is Not Okay
There are all kinds of studies about suicide, death, depression, and the impact they have on teenagers. I could give you scads of facts. But simply put, it’s not okay to make death look cool.
I know the point of the show (and the book it came from), and I disagree. Showing a locker with flowers and those honoring her death make it look like something precious. It’s not. And no teen should have in the back of their head that they will be honored that way as an incentive to end their life if they are struggling with it.
2. Revenge is Not Okay
Hannah (the protagonist in 13 Reasons Why) elicits revenge after her death. The Bible says that vengeance belongs to God. There is nothing poetic about post-mortem revenge, nor should it be confused with justice. It’s also not empowering.
Hannah chose the easy way out instead of facing the bullying, rape, and trauma of her life. Suicide was her way of escaping the harder act of learning to live with what happened and overcome it.
It’s cruel. It’s selfish. It’s not okay. And I don’t want my teens thinking anything about doing this is good or right or beneficial. It’s sinful; God says life is sacred and we all need to value life — even our own. End of story.
3. When You Die, You’re Dead
No matter what Hannah did before she died, she was still dead once she committed suicide. Reaching out to people through letters/videos/recordings wasn’t really reaching out; she never gained satisfaction or vindication or healing from it because she was dead. It literally served no purpose.
Again, I don’t want my kids to ever buy the lie that their death could be more significant than their life by committing suicide and pinning it on others.
4. Suicide Is a Choice
Now this one is a little dicey, I’ll admit. I’ve read varying statistics so I’m hesitant to pick one, but suffice it to say that most people who choose to end their life do so because of severe mental and emotional disturbances that could be treated.
The problem is that when your mind and your emotions are disturbed, you don’t always have the presence of mind to seek that treatment.
I am aware of the challenge here, and it breaks my heart. I’ll be honest with you: I don’t yet have an answer for it, but I’m praying like crazy for God to help people see those in their lives clearly and help them when it’s needed.
However, suicide is a choice. I’m aware that many people who are contemplating suicide are doing so because they see no other choice, but I want to encourage you. You can fight for your healing, your wholeness, and your future and not let the evilness of others and what they do to you overtake you.
Hannah had a choice, but it is one that breaks my heart. Personally, I believe it was the wrong one because God says that life is sacred. Hannah chose to focus on 13 reasons why life wasn’t worth living (people who had failed her), instead of seeing herself as more than enough reason to fight for life.
But she was. And you, if you are considering suicide, need to know that YOU are valuable and your life is precious.
Could the choice Hannah made in the movie be in part to how others treated her? Yes, absolutely. But is it their responsibility? Ultimately, it was her choice alone.
It was also a permanent choice.
And it breaks my heart that that same choice is made in real life, not just on the screen. It’s heart rending, and we need to reach out to those in pain.
5. Grief Isn’t Sensational…& Shouldn’t Be Sensationalized
Think about the child who misses a parent that killed themselves. Or a sibling who is left without a brother or a sister. Or a friend who grieves for decades that they missed the signs. The grief of those left behind is not something that should be sensationalized in a sitcom.
Grief isn’t universal either; everyone processes it in their own way and in their own time. Suicide is not a victimless crime, nor is the only victim the one who chose to end their life; those who go on living have a lot to overcome.
6. Showing Rape Is Not Necessary
Rape happens. I hate it. I hate that the devastation that this crime causes is deep and unfathomable; it’s one of the most traumatic experiences my imagination can think of.
And because of that, I don’t want my children to have a vision of it in their minds because Netflix views it as relevant or necessary or a way to sell subscribers on their sitcom.
Rape is revolting, and they are turning it into entertainment. Despicable.
Children, teens, adults…no one needs to watch and imagine rape to understand its depravity. No one.
7. Depicting A Suicide Is Not Necessary
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says that, “Risk of additional suicides increases when the story explicitly describes the suicide method, uses dramatic/graphic headlines or images, and repeated/extensive coverage sensationalizes or glamorizes a death.”
Do you want to see that happen as a result of this show? I don’t.
The Netflix mini series “13 Reasons Why” depicts in horrifying detail the way Hannah gets a weapon and then uses it to end her life. It shows how she lays there, waiting to die.
I don’t need to watch that, and my children certainly do not. I’m in shock that we live in a society in which this is viewed as “relevant” and “necessary.” I can’t imagine that there are those who would argue it is beneficial, and yet I’m seeing it.
8. Those Behind The Show Miss the Point (or at least a critical opportunity)
The writers and producers behind “13 Reasons Why” can do a lot of things, and still miss the point. They can produce a show about rape, suicide, and bullying. They can put a legal disclaimer/warning up that it contains graphic content. They can paint adults as at fault and failing the protagonist.
But you know what they can also do?
They can share resources for those who are suffering from depression. They can share resources for those contemplating suicide. They can show less graphic pictures of violence and victimization, and more productive ways of helping people who have been impacted by those things.
They can stop painting adults solely as failing a girl in distress, leading to teens mistrusting those who are available to help them. They can show resources and professionals and give hope, if they are hell bent on producing a show with this issue.
But they didn’t choose to do those things. They chose to show 13 reasons for a teen girl to kill herself, and offer no hope to other teens who might be watching and battling suicidal thoughts themselves. It’s deplorable for them to miss that opportunity, if they are going to insist on creating “entertainment” in this genre at all.
However, even if they did take those opportunities, I would argue that it is not a necessary, relevant, or beneficial subject to watch on television. Why? Let’s continue.
9. Watching This Desensitizes Us To It
The American Psychological Association (APA) shares the impact of watching violence on television:
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Children may become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others.
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Children may be more fearful of the world around them.
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Children may be more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
The APA also shares the danger that “exposure to media violence can desensitize people to violence in the real world and that, for some people, watching violence in the media becomes enjoyable and does not result in the anxious arousal that would be expected from seeing such imagery.”
I know it’s an obvious thing to say, but we do not need to be desensitized to violence, rape, or suicide. The content of “13 Reasons Why” isn’t being presented to stir our hearts; rather, science proves it will further harden them. If anything, our hearts need to be stirred to compassion for those with depression and mental health issues so that we can love them more.
A TV show is not going to do that. Prayer, education, and relationship will.
10. 2 Timothy 1:7
The Bible says that God hasn’t endowed us with a spirit of fear. Instead, as His children, we have been given the spirits of power, love, and a sound mind.
Yes, Christians can and often do suffer from depression and even mental illness. However, we do not have to succumb to those things. We can emerge victorious. We can avail ourselves of godly counsel, professional counseling, and even medical intervention.
Instead of watching “13 Reasons Why” with our teens to spark conversation about relevant and realistic issues, we can read the Bible with them and talk about how critical it is that we know the truth. And that we share that truth with those we love, with those who desperately need to meet Love Himself.
Love changes lives. TV shows that show graphic violence do not.
11. Philippians 4:8
Scripture is pretty clear about the things that we are supposed to dwell on. Very little on TV fits these standards, and so this one applies to so much more than just “13 Reasons Why,” however that’s what we’re talking about today.
We must ask: Are we teaching our children to watch things that God would approve of, or things that violate Scriptural guidelines?
According to the apostle Paul, we are supposed to think on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, and virtuous. Nothing about revenge, rape, suicide, bullying, or violence fit these standards.
Our mind is not supposed to dwell in these places, as it would if we were to watch a show that unfolds them and imprints in our mind images that will stay there much longer than the length of the show.
Talk about the issues? Certainly. Discuss the importance of treating others well? Undoubtedly. But dwell on them? Not at all.
12. Human Life is Valuable
We live in a time where life isn’t valued as dearly as it ought to be. Babies are aborted under the guise of choice. Murder headlines the news so frequently that we accept it instead of grieve it. People are sentenced to the death penalty for heinous crimes and we often feel safer knowing they are not going to hurt our loved ones, rather than grieving their eternity in hell.
We live in a society that finds watching suicide on TV entertaining, necessary, relevant, and even financially beneficial.
That should disgust us. It should outrage us. We should be grieved. “13 Reasons Why” should bring us to our knees in prayer. And repentance.
13. Parents Are Called to Disciple Their Children
The cry of the church should be loud and united over this issue. We should be turning to Scripture to see if this (and every other program we allow in our homes) is beneficial to our children.
We should be crying out to God, grieving that this happens and asking what an appropriate response to these issues are…without sitting down and calling them entertainment. We should be guarding the hearts and minds of our children, rather than imprinting these images on their minds.
I believe that God has placed me as mother of my children to guide them, protect them, teach them, love them, disciple them, and train them up in the way they should go.
I believe this because Scripture has told me so. That means that it is up to me to teach them to love people, to value life, to respect all humans, and to live in a way that honors God. It’s not the job of Netflix, the author the book “13 Reasons Why”, or social media to instill values, morals, and a conscience in my child. It is MY JOB.
Stop Letting Culture Tell Us What Is Relevant
One of the things that has disturbed me the most about “13 Reasons Why” is how even the church is calling it relevant. We were never meant to let the world tell us what is relevant to us; the Bible does that.
It’s not suicide that is relevant; it is the brokenness of the human heart and our need as the church to reach out to the broken.
It’s not rape that is relevant; it is teaching our sons to honor women, it is men loving their wives like Christ loved the church, and it is Christ-lovers reaching out to women who have been mistreated and covering their shame with a blanket of grace, mercy, and love.
It’s not bullying that is relevant; it is first living in our lives and then instilling in the lives of our children the love of the Gospel.
It’s not a sitcom, series, or movie that is relevant; it is the authoritative Word of God that is timeless, eternal, and True.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
1-800-784-2433 www.hopeline.com
This will connect you with a crisis center in your area.
*Suicide facts taken from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/suicide
Please also check out this Counselor’s Response to 13 Reasons Why
Amazing post, Lisa. You’ve done your homework, you’ve stayed faithful to the Lord and His Word, and you’re doing the right thing in guarding and guiding the hearts and minds of your children. Amen, my dear sister – amen.
Excellent points! Although I have never watched the show or even thought of watching it I know the basic premise of it. I pretty much use a lot of your points in guiding my family and myself in what we watch or refuse to watch in our house or at a theater. You set some great guidelines on deciding what we should watch. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Tom. We’re learning to lean more on Scripture and less on culture to decide what’s appropriate around here. It’s kind of crazy what we let slide simply because other people told us it was okay. But I love the changes in our heart and home as we are making this change.
I appreciate your desire to see people grow in their walk with Christ. I agree with your thoughts on the need for hope and redemption and that we must guard our hearts and minds as Christ desires. I wholeheartedly agree with you that believers need to be cautious and probably very few should take part in watching such a graphic show (no children under the age of 16 I would say, if not older).
However, I believe some of your responses have issues in them.
First, you seem to think that the show is a sitcom. Having watched a few episodes I can tell you it certainly is not.
Second, having watched most of season 1 I do not see evidence that suicide is being glorified. I am pretty confident that is not the intent of the show. I do see evidence that revenge is glorified (you are correct in that respect).
Third, you mention how the show does not give resources. The show I watched on Netflix did that at the end of the episodes. It gave a website you can go to for help. I understand this is not help focused on the gospel, but what do you expect from people who do not believe the gospel.
Fourth, I would like to give a biblical counter argument to this quote: “Could the choice Hannah made in the movie be in part to how others treated her? Yes, absolutely. But is it their responsibility? Ultimately, it was her choice alone.” I believe Scripturally this is not always correct. To mislead a child was a grievous sin that the Lord had harsh punishment for. Also, throughout Scripture leaders are responsible for misleading their followers. Also, Paul mentioned how to encourage another to sin led to you be accountable to God if they sinned. The grievous sins of rape depicted in the show lead me to believe the rapist has accountability in the actions of the person who committed the suicide (just like I hold the Nazis accountable when Jewish people killed one another when bread was thrown their way because they were starving). To say someone is accountable in another’s actions does not mean that the person who committed the action is without excuse. The person who committed the act and the person who encouraged the act can both be accountable.
Fifth, I do not agree with you that watching rape and suicide is always wrong. Watching the scenes myself, they were never meant to wrongfully excite a watcher and encourage them to do those things. Instead, the makers of the film wanted to be brutally honest and forthright about the devastation of the events. I do see how many people could watch the rape and suicide and be excited to do it. The scenes were not meant to desensitize but instead to enlighten those who tend toward judgmentalness and generalizations (like myself). Sometimes visualizing horrific events impact you more than just reading or listening. Take for example a movie on the holocaust. Everytime I see a depection of the horrifying acts of evil in the Holocaust I am reminded of the total depravity of man and the sinfulness of man. Of course, like the writer of Ecclesiastes we must keep our focus on the God of the Universe and His great salvation. However, for me, seeing the gruesome events on the show impacted me more than reading about them on a blog. Of course, I realize there is a very fine line there and I need to be careful not to cross it. However, encouraging never to be brought visually face to face with devastation and horrific sin is not always a correct form of action (though in many cases it is).
Finally, I appreciate the show because it reminds me of the sadness of a life without the Lord. The show does not lead to redemption, however what a great opportunity as a believer to use the show to proclaim the gospel to people. Like the Hunger Games, the depiction of the world in 13 Reasons Why is sad and hopeless (more and more the world of today’s U.S.). That is exactly what a world without Christ is, sad, devastating, and hopeless. The show does a great job to show people the devastation of sin on everyone involved. I also think it takes a very truthful look at the devastation of a grievous sexual sin like rape. The show correctly shows how this sin leads you to feel guilty, unworthy, and accountable (as if the rape was your fault). The main characters and others lives are drastically effected by it. That is exactly what Scripture proclaims: sin leads to death. The thing the show misses is the thing we as believers understand: Christ paid the penalty for our sins and has the power to redeem sinners. I tend to believe movies like Room and shows like this do more good for the gospel to be presented than shows that show a happy redemption without mention of God’s grace. Without God, there can be no eternal redemption. The show makes this clear in many ways (much like the Hunger Games does).
I do not want to make it seem that I am pressuring you to let your kids watch the show, I would say few people should ever watch the show. However, people like me can be impacted in a positive way by reminding me of the importance to have compassion and love for everyone and reach out and love others more than I love myself. Ultimately, the Lord can use what we watch to encourage and convict us in our walk with Him.
The show misses opportunities for sure, but the opportunities they miss is because they do not believe in the one who has power over sin and death. This reminds me of the need for the gospel in life today (especially with the youth of today who are brought up with an increasing lack of truth and hope). No matter what the tragedy, I need to remember that the gospel can shine through in the tragedy of sin.
Please feel free to respond to my comments. I appreciate how you are thoughtful and realize the great responsibility you have as a parent to train up your children in the way you should go. I currently do not have children of my own, but I wholeheartedly agree that children (especially young children 1-16 at least) do not need to see such gruesome shows like this one. Also, I would never in a million years encourage it to someone who struggles with things so prevalent in the show. The Bible is for more important than a show. However, I do not feel it is wrong for everyone to watch the show, and I would say the show made a positive influence in my life rather than a negative one. Seeing the sadness of sin and tragedy in such a gruesome way continues to remind me of the great need for God’s truth and His redemption.
God Bless
I appreciate the thoughtful, insightful, and in depth reply.
One thing stood out that you said above all the rest (although a LOT stood out!): “Ultimately, the Lord can use what we watch to encourage and convict us in our walk with Him.” This is true because God works all things together for good for those who love Him.
BUT God also directs to carefully consider what we invite into our minds and hearts. We are to guard them. I see watching this show as falling short of that charge to guard your heart, to only thing on good things, and transform our minds.
And to this: “Seeing the sadness of sin and tragedy in such a gruesome way continues to remind me of the great need for God’s truth and His redemption”…well, to this I would say that watching the world around me, turning on the news, or even scrolling through FB does this.
Thank you for the response. You have some very valid points, I especially appreciate the reminder of being watchful of the world and news. You are correct. Watching 13 Reasons Why is not required to understand the sadness of life. However, sometimes fictional tales prick at people’s heart strings more than biographies or hearing it on the news. Take for example the impact books like Les Miserables and Uncle Tom’s Cabin had and have on the world. They were books based on aspects of reality and yet not based on true events. They also dealt with very mature themes, albeit in a less graphic manner than 13 Reasons Why.
I agree that Christians should not be compelled to watch it and many should not watch it. That being said, I hope you do not hold believers in judgment for watching the show, especially if the heart behind their watching it was not sinfully driven. We may disagree on this issue of entertainment however thankfully we are one in Christ. I am thankful that the Lord uses all things to draw me closer to Him. As you have stated, the Scriptures are one of the best places for that to occur. Growth in Christ comes from being in communion with Him not reading sad, compelling stories that end in tragedy.
Thank you for reminding me that living life for God is so much important than reading or watching a heartbreaking story. Thankfully, unlike the show there is true redemption found in Christ..
Blessings as you serve Christ!